Oh Lord My Check Engine Light Is On
In case you haven’t realized it yet life can be so overwhelming and hard at times. We rise early everyday and we simply get busy. Honestly for most of us our feet hit the floor and we are off running. So many things to do that we honestly don’t realize that we are actually breathing. Looking back I honestly don’t know at what point that awful ritual starts.
Over the later part of 2017 I realized that my Spiritual Check Engine Light was flashing. I was trying to ignore it. I was just sputtering along. I was frustrated, restless and empty. I was desperately trying to plug into God and I was not connecting. I was eagerly listening for His voice and all I heard was static and noise. I looked around and everyone was chattering but nothing made any sense. I was reading my bible and falling asleep. I would listen to gospel music and get interrupted by a notification, email alert or call on my cell phone. I would pick up a book and fall asleep reading instantly. I would attend church and sit looking around me longing for a spiritual attachment to simply plug into. Suddenly I realized there was nothing or anyone to bum a charge off of. My spiritual transmission was slipping.
Spiritual emptiness is like living while dying. It’s a dark lonely place and honestly very scary. I was busy doing things that I felt were meaningful while the sheer joy I had once received was quickly disappearing. I was busy and excited for the Lord but unfortunately I was unable to find anyone to run the race with me. I saw needs everywhere. So much good to be done in the world but the world was not interested. I found myself feeling isolated, strange, out of place and frustrated. Everyone was simply living in the “ I just care about myself, my family and my things.”
Honestly watching the madness was simply heartbreaking. We live in a society where the majority are immune now to compassion. I found myself listening to conversations and thinking to myself “ oh hell no I don’t think I want to be a Christian.” Yes you read that correctly. I honestly started evaluating if I personally had missed the true message of being a Christian. I was an overachiever and all that compassion, empathy and energy had been wasted for years. I was an alien in the land of mostly strangers. I was thinking “what would God think, what would Jesus do?” I honestly gave up hope of spreading the awesome “Good News”.
On the rare occasion that I would share my thoughts and feelings I would quickly regret it. My husband seemed to be the only one seeing what I could see. I could not find the presence of God or the Nature of God anywhere. I felt like “ The Walking Dead”. The joy, hope and light I once knew was no more. For me my spiritual world was coming to an end. My Spiritual Check Engine Light was blinking rapidly. God was pushing me onward and I was yelling over my shoulder “please stop doing that. Why won’t you just let me be.” I remember daily telling God “ why won’t you just let me worry about myself?” Come to think of it He hasn’t answered that question for me yet.
Finally I simply unplugged. I gave up almost everything. God would try to talk to me and I was ignoring Him. I remember one day actually saying out loud at the kitchen sink “ look God I am going to need a spiritual timeout. If the world doesn’t care why should I.” It was during that time that people began to reach out. I think God said “well Missy if you won’t listen to me I would send some messengers.” Suddenly I realized that what I had been doing had not been in vain. I had made a difference in the lives of some people. I had in my busy work brought some joy, laughter and light to others. I was reading my bible daily. I began a new 90 day devotion. I started putting my headphones on and listening to Gospel music. I started live streaming different sermons and taking notes again. I found myself in my prayer closet again. I found myself reading books again and actually finishing them. I found myself replenishing. Joy and laughter were slowly reappearing. I was walking in peace again. I just needed to go into the spiritual repair shop and get myself a Holy Oil Change and a Spiritual Tune Up. While there I got my Spiritual Windshield Repaired. I learned to accept that I will always see things differently than most others and I will be more passionate than others. It appears that God equipped me with some high powered spark plugs and my heart engine just seems to be A Compassionate Turbo. I am honestly hoping that like me the world’s check engine light is merely blinking. Praying that God will give us all a Spiritual Tune Up in the very near future.
Blessings Upon Blessings